There have been multiple things that have happened this summer that have made me revaluate my priorities. I feel incredibly blessed because of my trials with infertility because it has made me realize what a gift life is! Every night I lay in bed and and take a look at the last 20 hours.....I rarely have any regrets as a wife and a mother. Now there are plenty of things I can do better but for the most part I can say ,"I tried my hardest and I will try even harder tomorrow!" I try so hard not to live with regrets..
When Doug got his final diagnosis......"YOU HAVE CANCER"... We thought,"what does this mean?" All these "what if's" were filling every thought. 'what does this mean for our family?' 'what does this mean for his mortal body?' 'how long will this fight be?' 'how are my children, especially Sam, going to handle this?' 'what will a year bring?' We completely trusted in the Lords plan. We felt 100% peace in His will. That didn't change the wondering of what was going to happen.
On Sept. 8th Doug came home from work early. He was in more discomfort, more weak, and more anemic than I had ever before seen him. He got out of his car and I watched him bent over limping to the garbage trying to throw something away. He struggled as he lifted the garbage lid. He hobbled into the garage for a moment to see my dad who was working in there and then limped his way up our front steps. When I saw Doug I knew all he wanted to do was go lay down. In the mean time, Ethan, our 6 year old, had been observing the weather ALL day long. It was windy and that meant 1 thing for him, he and dad were going to fly a kite! He had went and found dad's big kite, pulled it out of it's container, and with his little knowledge was starting to get it ready. When Doug opened the front door there was Ethan, "Dad I almost got it all ready, it is a perfect day for flying a kite. COME ON DAD!" Doug kinda gave a smile and I then I bent down to explain to Ethan that daddy was sick and needed to lay down. Doug knew that Ethan's heart would sink if he didn't go with him. So being the kind of dad that Doug is, Doug told me, " I got this hun!" Doug, under any circumstance, wouldn't rather be anywhere in the world than with his kids! I watched out our big front window as together they finished putting the kite together and out they went. I sat here in the house with my mom and could not control my tears. They came fast and freely and the emotional pain I felt hurt. I couldn't stand the thought of "what is going to happen".... Do I need to start counting moments as "lasts"? The last time...... and the question that just kept coming over and over was, "what will spring bring?" At that time the diagnosis was grim and we didn't know what spring brought but this is a question for all of us to ask ourselves....
"What does spring bring for any of us?" This could be any of our "lasts" and are we living with no regrets? Are we living like these could be our last moments with our friends? parents? neighbors? spouses? and our children? Are our lives in accordance with His will? I am blessed that this trial came my way to take a step back and live my life so someday when I do meet my Savior I can honestly look Him in the eye and tell him,"I did my best!"
How often do we take life for granted? Speaking for myself...More than I should, multiple times a day. I think it is just part of being mortal. We forget to give credit to God that gives us every breath we take. Knowing very well that at any moment he could take that simple breath away.
May we all go to bed tonight with NO REGRETS!